but..
is the lemon worth the squeeze?
i'd hope so.
all of this better be worth it.
please stay with me.

i'm in love with a new boy

a new, gorgeous gorgeous boy
he's nicer
and sweeter
and soo much better

fuck ryan

:D

my dad hates him though.

things are better between me and rachel
and i'm glad
we were talking about what'd happened between us
getting both sides
rachel said:
"i was kinda worried about buying that shirt. i felt bad because
me and him were kinda still friends. but i just said fuck it.
and i put it on right in front of him. i chose you."
people are telling me
"be careful, she's deceiving"
i know she exaggerates things sometimes
but she's my baby girl.

i suck at school.
i need a job.

please call and hire me old navy!

Stop and make sure that everything you are doing right now is really what makes you happy.
You can't just live for some goal in the future and
have that be everything, have that be IT.
Because that is what some people do.
They get on this road and there are all these signs saying
"This way, This way"
But what if you get there,
you get exactly what you wanted,
like some people do,
except all the things that were wrong,
are still wrong.
Then what?
- Party of Five

i want to move to dallas so bad.

i fear that i'm falling in love again.

EVERYBODY WAKE UP IT'S TIME TO GET DOWN!

so last night
i hung out with a few boys.
we sat out on the lawn on a blanket
played guitar and talked.
one of them held my hand,
because they were cold and soft.
one of them let me wear their jacket.
one of them let me speak.
and all of them listened.
they all made me forget about what
was happening in my life.
they all never judged me
two of them kept touching my hair,
amazed by how soft it was.

i like these new friends of mine.

my body, my hands shake like an addict that's been dry for a week.
not from the cold from sitting in my bathtub naked in one inch deep water.
i cry, while drops of water roll down my back,
and i hope nobody ever finds me.

don't find me.
don't find me.

i pull at my hair,
and only wish to hurt myself.
i punch the wall next to me.
i dig my nails deep into my skin.

don't find me.
please, don't ever find me.

i read this book, titled aimee.
it's about this girl (Zoe),
who's charged with murder
for her best friend
but her best friend (Aimee) commited suicide
and nobody believed her.

the girl commited suicide
by overdosing on sleeping pills.

Hope is Zoe's kinda new friend
but she had tried killing herself
but her father found her.
so she's been visiting a shrink.
she's improved,
but she's still suicidal.

"'No,' I repeat, just as softly. 'So this time, when Hope started acting freaky, I got out of it and turned her over to someone who knows what to do. And I hope it works. But if it doesn't, I won't have to feel guilty about it. That's what I find hardest to take, Chard. The guilt over Aimee. The what ifs.'"

that's how i felt about ryan.

is it bad that
i like my daddy
better when he's
high?

the love of your life says:
HEYYY U
the love of your life says:
:]yahyuh buddy
the love of your life says:
yahh.yahh.
the love of your life says:
ohdon't look around
the love of your life says:
yahu
Tαĸєѕнı Kυѕсн The Novelist says:
....
the love of your life says:
lolyess

HE NEEDS TO KNOW!
HE NEEDS TO KNOW!

i can't keep it a secret any longer
but i'm scared of his reaction
he won't care!
he won't care!

i really hope i'm underestimating him
right now.
why should he care?

sure, not only did it happen
once but it happened twice
he needs to know though...
i don't want to see his reaction.

i saw my daddy today
for the first time in weeks
and when i tried telling him about school,
or my life,
he turns up the music.
and i have to talk over it.

i tried telling him
that i'm getting better at guitar
becaue he praises chucky
all the time 'cause he can play guitar

and he showed no recognition.

although i love my dad more than my mom,
he loves my brother more than me.

and i'm getting tired of trying to get
him to love me as much as he loves
my brother.

today i told a secret absolutely nobody knows.
nobody.
nobody.

if only he knew, though.
if only he knew what secret i've been holding
from him for months.
if only he knew..

it should change every perspective he has of me.
the reason why i got so controlling.
the reason..
if i go on listing the reasons..
he'll put pieces together
and realize what i'm talking about.

he probably won't believe me though.
i'll tell him eventually.
just not now.
not now.
not now.

in other news.
from a good friend of mine.

hey hey hey!


i went into pac sun
and i saw adam

and he asked where you were
:)

and then he asked me if you liked him
and i told him that i didn't know, and asked him if he liked you
and he was like "i don't really know her"
and i was like "well, would you tap that"
and he laughed and was all like "...yeah."
and so then i asked him again if he liked you and he said yeah.

:))))

don't tell him i told you
;D

AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

i'm beginning to regret becoming great friends with christina.
because i want to move to dallas.
but she's been run out on so many times by friends.
hayley, that one girl, then me?
i'm scared to bring up anything about moving to dallas with her.

the night before halloween,
i crashed.

i kinda wish i got those butterflies in my stomach
like i used to get,
thinking about what tomorrow has to offer.
like on the first day of school.

but i didn't feel excited about anything before halloween.
and the day we went to new york city
and the day we went to south carolina
and the day we went to disney land.

maybe i'm just not that appreciative.

today was a bad day..

i like where i am now.
sane.
sane.
sane.

things are soo much better with ryan.
i made a few adjustments.

halloween's tomorrow.
i really hope i don't do anything
i'll regret later. haha..

"you're going to get addicted to it."
"no i'm not. i have self-control."
"no, you're going to get addicted."

don't ever underestimate me.

i hope adam's not leading me on
because i'm young.

but fuck is he cute..

Ryan Gibson: can you please let me make my own fucking decisions instead of trying to make them for me
Raquel Mathis: i thought you told me to leave you alone?
Ryan Gibson: yeah
Ryan Gibson: well im just saying
Ryan Gibson: let me make my own decisions
Ryan Gibson: stay out of my life
Ryan Gibson: from here and forever
Ryan Gibson: and im just telling you
Raquel Mathis: you don't understand, ryan.
Ryan Gibson: okay
Ryan Gibson: obviously i do
Ryan Gibson: i didnt die
Ryan Gibson: i came close
Ryan Gibson: thats why im not doing it again
Raquel Mathis: i'm not allowed to worry though?
Raquel Mathis: when i took my pills
Raquel Mathis: i remember you telling me
Raquel Mathis: "don't take too many."
Raquel Mathis: you were worried about me
Ryan Gibson: yeah
Ryan Gibson: and i know what i did was stupid
Raquel Mathis: okay, i'm glad you realize that.
Ryan Gibson: but i wouldnt ever go tell your fucking mom if you took to many
Ryan Gibson: so just stay out of my fucking like
Raquel Mathis: because you don't care like i do.
Ryan Gibson: for like
Ryan Gibson: i dont even care fool
Ryan Gibson: were over
Ryan Gibson: so it doesnt really matter
Raquel Mathis: i understand that.
Raquel Mathis: but i love you.
Ryan Gibson: okay
Raquel Mathis: i'm not in love with you.
Raquel Mathis: i just love you.
Ryan Gibson: well
Ryan Gibson: i dont even want you to love me anymore
Ryan Gibson: to be honest
Ryan Gibson: im sorry for saying it
Ryan Gibson: but still
Ryan Gibson: everyone says that was so cold what you did
Raquel Mathis: well, ryan.
Raquel Mathis: take a step back.
Raquel Mathis: from everything.
Raquel Mathis: okay?
Ryan Gibson: NO
Ryan Gibson: fuck thattt
Raquel Mathis: no, no..ryan..
Ryan Gibson: im not taking step backs anymore
Ryan Gibson: your not controlling me anymore
Raquel Mathis: wouldn't you like to know if your son almost died?
Ryan Gibson: your not making my decisions
Raquel Mathis: i'm not controlling you!
Ryan Gibson: so just let me do what i want
Ryan Gibson: and just fucking stop
Ryan Gibson: annd
Raquel Mathis: stop what?
Ryan Gibson: you were basically controlling me in the relationship
Raquel Mathis: how was i controlling?
Ryan Gibson: omg
Ryan Gibson: you have no idea
Ryan Gibson: everyone saw it
Raquel Mathis: what? that i held you back from your friends?
Ryan Gibson: just ask pretty much anyone
Raquel Mathis: how was that?
Raquel Mathis: about your friends
Raquel Mathis: the last thing i wanted,
Raquel Mathis: was for you to lose your friends
Raquel Mathis: honestly.
Ryan Gibson: i came so close to losing my fucxking friends when i was with you
Ryan Gibson: you have no idea
Raquel Mathis: will admitted to me
Raquel Mathis: that it wasn't me
Ryan Gibson: okay
Ryan Gibson: cause he was being modest
Ryan Gibson: we even talked about it when we were together
Raquel Mathis: he said he was taking himself away from you.
Ryan Gibson: CAUSE I WAS WITH YOU
Ryan Gibson: asnywas
Raquel Mathis: you had all summer to hang out with your friends, ryan..
Ryan Gibson: i had all summer?
Ryan Gibson: how?
Ryan Gibson: liek
Raquel Mathis: i was out of town the whole summer.
Ryan Gibson: whenever i went over to my friends
Ryan Gibson: you were always pretty much trying to talk to me whn i was with friends
Ryan Gibson: and you got mad when i didnt talk
Ryan Gibson: i can remember so many times liek that
Raquel Mathis: i was out of town.
Raquel Mathis: i'm sorry if i atleast wanted to stay close, and not grow apart.
Ryan Gibson: you still should have understood that i was with my friendsss
Ryan Gibson: and be understadinggg
Raquel Mathis: i understand now. i honestly do.
Ryan Gibson: well does that help anything???
Raquel Mathis: but i can't go back and change anything now.
Raquel Mathis: exactly.
Ryan Gibson: exactly
Raquel Mathis: so why hold a grudge against me for it?
Ryan Gibson: im not
Ryan Gibson: im just pointing out the reason why basically you were controlling
Ryan Gibson: dude
Ryan Gibson: ask
Ryan Gibson: anybodsy
Ryan Gibson: and they will tell you
Raquel Mathis: well, i've changed for the better.
Ryan Gibson: and i dont really care anymore
Raquel Mathis: i know you don't.
Ryan Gibson: yeah
Ryan Gibson: i know you know
Ryan Gibson: too
Ryan Gibson: cause
Ryan Gibson: ive obviously made it obvious
Raquel Mathis: mm.
Raquel Mathis: well.
Raquel Mathis: i'm sorry for being controlling to you.
Raquel Mathis: but our relationship was filled with misunderstandings.
Ryan Gibson: yah
Ryan Gibson: obviously
Ryan Gibson: and look where we are now
Raquel Mathis: because we don't talk anymore.
Raquel Mathis: i'm scared to talk to you.
Raquel Mathis: honestly.
Ryan Gibson: i dont want to talk anymore honestly
Ryan Gibson: sooooooooooooooooooo
Ryan Gibson: yeahhhh
Ryan Gibson: im going
Ryan Gibson: byeeee
Raquel Mathis: kay..

i was having a good day, i thought.

him: can you please stay out of my life forever. i don't need you anymore.
me: what?
him: dude, just stay out of my life here on out. i know you're the one that told my mom. just leave me alone.
me: ryan..that's irrational. you don't understand why.
him: just leave me alone. don't talk to me anymore.
me: ryan you almost died. just like your dad.
him: just leave me alone.
me: i did it because i love you. and i'll respect your wishes. just because i still love you. now matter how much you push me away. okay?
him: just leave me alone.
me: i love you. and i will. but someday you'll understand. i'm not doing this out of revenge or because i want to see you get in trouble.

------------------------

the love of your life says:
tyler?!!?
Tyler says:
ya
the love of your life says:
kay.
the love of your life says:
so i bet you heard from ryan already?
the love of your life says:
that he hates me forever?
Tyler says:
ya will told me that u told his mom
the love of your life says:
he told me to stay out of his life.
Tyler says:
wow
the love of your life says:
would he have told you that? if you told his mom?
the love of your life says:
or will? or megan?
Tyler says:
idk maybe not
the love of your life says:
yeah..
the love of your life says:
but me.
the love of your life says:
he said he didn't need me in his life anymore.
Tyler says:
no not megan
Tyler says:
when did u tell her
the love of your life says:
last night.
the love of your life says:
after i figured out that ryan almost died
Tyler says:
on myspace
the love of your life says:
the same fucking way his dad died
the love of your life says:
yeah.
Tyler says:
i know thats what me and will were saying
Tyler says:
but will's pissed off at u to
the love of your life says:
at me?
Tyler says:
ya for telling his mom
the love of your life says:
well
the love of your life says:
i would like to know if my son almost died
Tyler says:
me too!!!
the love of your life says:
i didn't tell ryan's mom because i wanted revenge
the love of your life says:
i did it because i loved him.
the love of your life says:
and megan's glad i said something.
the love of your life says:
if i just sit back and let him continue doing stupid shit like this
the love of your life says:
then what's going to happen to him next?
the love of your life says:
he took 7 of his pain killers
Tyler says:
ya i know
the love of your life says:
i'm sure his dad was taking his pain killers to get the feeling
the love of your life says:
but he fucking died from it
the love of your life says:
the times i'd take my pills?
the love of your life says:
ryan got worried. "make sure you don't take too many.."
the love of your life says:
and i'm not allowed to be worried about him?
Tyler says:
ya he's really stupid for doing that in the first place
the love of your life says:
will's just prolly mad at me because i ruined their plans for saturday though.
the love of your life says:
i think.
the love of your life says:
weren't they supposed to go out of town saturday?
Tyler says:
ya
Tyler says:
ozona
Tyler says:
he was really excited
the love of your life says:
yeah.
the love of your life says:
like matt said, he does a lot of stupid things
the love of your life says:
and i'm just the first person to call him out on the shit he does
Tyler says:
ya he might as well just jump off of a cliff because thats what his cigarettes are doing to him

today was a good day.
i got noticed more by boys.









i don't want ryan
to die like his dad did.

i wrote this the day after ryan left my house in dallas.
after spending four nights together..


we departed yesterday, and i wish i would've
made that moment special because
i'm not going to get to see you for about a month.
and the first day without you made me miserable.
and i know i'm going to get worse.
i really miss you. things have already been different.
instead of staying up until 6 in the morning with you,
i stayed up till 3.
i don't like doing things without you.
i can't enjoy movies or shows as much without you
distracting me.
it sucks waking up because i know you're not going
to be there.
you're not here to encourage me or..love me
or anything!
i want to have a natural high with you
because those are better than anything
lunch and dinner are not going to be the same
every sign of you staying here has been erased
except for your shampoo bottle you left
and guess what, ryan?
there's another spider in the bathroom.
and there was a cricket on my bed.
i'm talking to you as if you're dead or we broke up.
i just miss you.
maybe it's good that we're apart,
like you said that one day.
i can try to develop more secrets to tell you
since i'm all out.
6 months together has made us stronger,
and i think we can live with this
i miss you so much, ryan gibson.

so everybody had their pro-life think on their mouths
taking a vow of silence.
i thought it was pretty cool.
but i'm pro-choice.

people should have choices.

girls have a choice to have sex
girls have a choice whether to keep the kid & go through hell trying to raise it while going to school
and possibly dropping out of school, getting a full-time job & living off of welfare that everybody
has to pay taxes for.
or the girls can give it up for adoption
and choose whether to..see it or not. but if i were put up for adoption,
i would feel pretty bad to know that i was just a mistake that my mom didn't want to take responsibility
for. and she probably didn't learn her lesson, and she's prolly still out having sex
and if girls chose abortion..well..then it wouldn't put the child through that.
and girls'll be able to..have kids when they're ready.
and if they're not ready,
they can just get rid of it.
i mean,
it's like killing a bug.
there's still going to be more.
more, and more, and more.

people should have choices.
idk.
it all sounded better in my head.